Dear Mr. West,

I know it has been a couple of months since your album was released, but I didn’t want to enter into the overhyped shit-hurling contest you were in with 50 cent, and certainly didn’t want to add fuel to the fires by bumping your sales up. Anyway I digress. When I first heard snippets of ‘Stronger’ in August I thought it might signal an interesting change in direction for you and your music – but having now heard the rest of the album finally, I can confidently send Graduation to the pile of CDs I regrettably own.

But don’t think that’s where my criticism of your new brainfart ends. Glossing over the incredible pretension you exhibited by recording with with non-hiphop artists (and then whinging about it in the next track) and the irritating chipmunk backing vocals that appear far more than necessary (necessary being zero), I’m going to focus instead on the single I mentioned earlier – that abomination that was your gratuitous reworking and raping of what used to be a reasonably good song by that French Duo. The sound is flat and only minimally remixed, your lyrics sound like you ran out of ideas after about three lines (at which time you started musing about your grocery list), and I quite honestly believe that you were smoking crack when you chose that particular song to remix, because pretty much anything else from DP’s earlier two LP’s, and even half the shit on ‘Human After All’ would have worked better than HBFS.

But by far my biggest criticism of your second single are those ridiculous Venetian blinds you wear as sunglasses on the videoclip. Firstly, you’ll come out with horizontal tan lines on your face after a day on the beach with those bad boys, secondly without proper lenses you’ll still manage to get cataracts, retinal cancer and blindness, and thirdly AND MOST IMPORTANTLY thanks to your lead, hundreds upon hundreds of utter dickwads are going to be walking around with these ridiculous things come summer. Thanks a lot – it’ll take months to rid my system of your filth without seeing these wankers parade around the place.

So, Kanye. Next time you want to release an album, try something bluegrassy, or maybe a classical composition, and wear oshkosh overalls. Really confuse the masses, and hey – it can’t be as bad as this attempt. Nothing can.

Pete

Kel popped my cherry last night. We lasted 2 1/2 hours, reclined in a car out in a paddock somewhere in Coburg.

Yes, last night I saw my first drive-in movie, courtesy of Triple J. Seriously – the email competitions they run are very easy to win – in the last couple of months alone I’ve won a CD pack thanks to my brother, and two double movie passes. Anyway the drive-in was good fun – although unfortunately there were no hang-on-your-window powered speakers. However, the projection was pitful, sound abysmal (through the car’s radio) and comfort decidedly less than a cinema seat, so I definitely got the whole drive-in experience.

The film was Quentin Tarantino’s new film, ‘Death Proof’. Originally packaged with Robert Rodriguez’s ‘Planet Terror’ as double feature ‘Grindhouse’ for the US market in May, the local distributors here decided to fleece the Australian market and instead release them as separate movies, six months after the US release (actually, the DVDs have been released in the US, and as such, DVDrips online, which I got my grubby hands on over a month ago). So this is part one, a movie that is little more than random conversation, a lot of girl’s bums on screen and a car that is apparently death-proof. The movie is quite interesting, very quirky and decidedly funny in parts, but not without the trademark Tarantino gore and long, drawn out dialogue. The plot (if you can call it that) is also so vague that for most of the movie you’d swear you were just watching the (not so) everyday happenings of the American south.

That said, I still enjoyed myself, especially the fact that such a violent car-based film was shown at a drive-in. I certainly enjoyed the drive home afterwards…

Pete

With John Howard struggling poll-wise with only weeks before the federal election, it looks like he and his cabinet are making drastic changes to policy in order to placate the public and sure up his reelection. Check out the new citizenship test questions, supposedly put forward to parliament last week as a possible replacement to the current, somewhat controversial citizenship test:

1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term “died in the arse”?
___________________________________
2. What is a bloody little beauty??
___________________________________
3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?
___________________________________
4. Explain the following passage: “In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo.”
__________________________________

5. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?
___________________________
6. Complete the following sentences:
a) “If the van’s rockin’ don’t bother ?
b) You’re going home in the back of a ?
c) Fair crack of the ?
_________________________________
7. I’ve had a gutful and I can’t be fagged. Discuss
__________________________________
8. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?
__________________________________
9. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard “up on blocks”? Is his name Bruce and does he have a wife called Cheryl?
__________________________________

10. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?
__________________________________
11. What are the ingredients in a rissole?
__________________________________
12. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.
__________________________________
13. Do you have an Aunty Irene who smokes 30 cigarettes a day and sounds like a bloke?
__________________________________
14. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else’s beer that has been flogged from a bath full of ice?
__________________________________
15. When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people’s meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?
__________________________________
16. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter “b” is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?
__________________________________

17. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots?
__________________________________
18. Is it possible to “prang a car” while doing “circle work”?
__________________________________
19. Who would you like to crack on to?
__________________________________
20. Who is the most Australian: Kevin “Bloody” Wilson, John “True Blue” Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?
__________________________________
21. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool?
_________________________________
22. What does ” sinkin ‘ piss at a mates joint and getten para ” mean?

Looks like a winner if you ask me. Carn Johnny and his ocker-friendly attitudes towards citizenship!

Pete

Can you see anything wrong with this picture? It’s my hand, barely five minutes ago. It’s oil stained, gloved and smelling slightly of rubber.

In case you didn’t pick up on the visual clues, I’ve been fiddling with my bike all evening. I’ve been fiddling with it because, apart from it being old and in need of attention, I haven’t ridden on this particular bike for years (and at all since just after Christmas). Most importantly, I was fiddling with it NOW because I am committed to riding the 40km round trip to uni and back tomorrow, all for a free breakfast as part of national ‘Ride your Bike to Work’ Day. Joy.

So, if you don’t hear from me for the next few weeks, go looking through the undergrowth along the Gardiner’s Creek cycling track, or possibly along Forster Road in Notting Hill. There may just be a slowly decomposing corpse with a bike, clutching at his chest in a vain attempt to silence the demon heart attack he awoke while peddling along.

Even if I don’t die, the odds of seriously injuring myself are quite high. As I said, the last time I rode whatsoever was in December last year, and that ended in the brand-spanking-new bike I was riding at the time having its front wheel mangled in a tram track; its front axle being bent beyond repair and its front end scratched to hell along a 10 metre stretch of High Street, as well as my knee, elbows and face having huge chunks of flesh ripped out. It was painful to say the least, and that was before the old man saw the state of his new bike…

So, wish me luck?

Pete

Radiohead seem to have done it again. Having suffered, at least in my mind from relatively crap albums since the unbelievable, earth shatteringly beautiful ‘OK Computer’ in 1997, I am pleased to announce that today’s release of ‘In Rainbows’ is a return to form. The album is quite similar to Yorke’s solo effort ‘Eraser’, at least as far as apparent influences and musical styles are concerned (albeit minus a lot of the synth). I suppose that is kind of unavoidable, him being the lead singer and all, but its interesting to actually hear the change that releasing a solo record has had on the band’s music too. You could also call the record minimalist. The guitars are subdued, much of the album is bass driven, and the vocals stick out like sore thumbs. Really nice sore thumbs, but they are definitely out there.

By far the most interesting thing about the album though is the distribution. Being big enough to give the record companies the bird, Radiohead have released the album themselves, which will until November only consist of digital downloads from their own website. Although this move may raise a few eyebrows, what has really been making people talk this last week has been the unusual or even pioneering step of letting customers decide how much to pay for the album. At the website you’re given a chance to pre-order the physical discbox set for £40 or simply order the digital version for anything ranging from the 45p processing fee to whatever your heart desires. For the record, I paid £4.45, which is about what CDs should cost in my opinion. I know that it’s perhaps a little tightarsed paying so little, but the costs of getting the album out are minimal when compared to actual physical discs, I’m a struggling student, and (at least I felt this when ordering last week) judging by recent form this will be listened to once and discarded.

It seems I may have been a little unfair on that last point. ‘All I Need’, ‘Reckoner’, ‘Jigsaw Falling into Place’ and opener ’15 Step’ are early favourites of mine, but the entire album is beautiful. A return to form, I would say. Radiohead are back.

Pete

Jealous much? Took an hour to guillotine all 49 A4 page margins, and another hour to stick them up. So worth it though. Final measurements are just under 2 metres wide and just over 1.4 metres tall. Pretty much the same area as the queen size bed that sits under it.

Oh and you can do the same with any image and Rasterbator. Just don’t think about the trees and ink going into the project…

Pete

I was having a lovely time last night – good friends around a living room, good conversation, good drink etc. Then Johnny Wilkinson basically emulated his soul crushing performance of the 2003 Rugby World Cup final, leading England to a 12-10 win over the Wallabies in Marseilles. When I say ‘lead’, I of course mean he kicked four penalties, or the entirety of the English score for the match.

Now I am by no means a big rugby fan. I learnt to enjoy the game during my year away in Cape Town, but I’d still take proper footy, or even soccer over union anyday. Even so, any trace of party inside me during the previous couple of hours left the instant the ref’s whistle blew. I stood up, left the TV room, grabbed a doona and went to bed. It wasn’t even my house.

And there are two good reasons why rugby will never have a true place in my heart – the wallabies have disappointed me at every match that I’ve actually taken an interest in (RWC 2003, tri nations since then, RWC 2007), and more upsettingly a team can win with just one man and a lot of penalty kicks at goal.

That said, I’m in no doubt that I’d be a lot worse off right now if I were a kiwi. Poor buggers.

Pete

Almost to the day five years ago I posted about the then-upcoming release of a DVD of Wallace & Gromit shorts, called “Cracking Contraptions”. So, given that particular mention, whatever could this post be about? That’s right, a fully fledged, brand spanking new TV episode (none of this full-feature wererabbit rubbish) entitled “Trouble at’ Mill” is scheduled for release on small screens (at least in Britain, which means on computers in Australia ) at the end of next year! Hurrah!

More here

Pete

Today being the first day back from midsemester break, I talked to some girls that spent their midsem up in Queensland at unigames. Apparently the weather was perfect and sunny, with mid twenty averages and warm nights to boot. Considering I spent the last week losing money on the Brownlow (damn Chad Cornes – if you’d done a bit better I’d be rolling in exactly $140 right now), being disappointed at the ease at which Geelong won on Saturday, and spending possibly the coldest, wettest days we’ve had all year down at Anglesea, I think even XXXX beer and Surfers Paradise bogans wouldn’t be enough to make Queensland look uninviting.

Actually I’m being a bit of a drama queen – the weather wasn’t all bad, and it meant we got to waltz around in doonas for the entire time – I can heartily recommend sitting on a balcony with a beer and a doona, even if inside next to the fire is warmer.

However, by far the best part of the trip was on Friday night, when Kel and Smellanor decided to abandon us. Having gotten back from the pub and finding ourselves stuck with little to do, Marcus, Megan and I decided to act as pensioners and play scrabble, but with a twist – instant triple word score for profanity or innuendo. Much fun was had, and apart from the bottom word, very little cheating was required.

Pete